***********UNEDITED VERSION FROM THE BEGINNING OF YEAR******************
This is a little different to my other posts but since its my first post of 2017 I thought because its all about new beginnings i wanted to get a few things off my mind and even if at the start of this post it sounds so negative i promise it has a positive message.
A basic back story of what i'm going to talk about is yes,i have anxiety and no its not because im joining the 'crowd' i have genuine reasons,it is actually so screwed that i have to even back that up because it is a norm for people to have it these days. but, back in 2014 my dad passed away which left a horrific dent in my life and changed it forever. Of course everyone who has lost a parent or a close person in there life will suffer from grief and i want to make it clear that everyone's process is DIFFERENT so before people comment saying mine is wrong or what ever this is just my personal experience,So, due to this incident i was left with severe generalised anxiety and depression;I had the whole works from paranoia to panic attacks it was awful. I felt like everything was crumbling from underneath me and i was trapped.
BUT,this is not a post to say that it never gets better because it does and it will,even if you haven't suffered from a loss you can still feel those feelings. At the beginning i honestly felt it will never get better and i still get those days/week/months where i feel like i will never be happy again but you have to be willing to make yourself happy. On those days you feel like everything has gone to shit treat yourself; go buy your favourite chocolate and ice cream or a new outfit. Always remember there is no time limit on your grieving process or when you can feel anxious, i would absolutely be lying to say i never feel anxious because i do a lot. Obviously,I lost one of the most important people of my life but i also gained a lot from it;a closer bond to my mum and i finally realised who my real friends are.
I have always been such a negative person but i guess something has just clicked in my head that i control what happens in my life and i feel like this post is closing that negative chapter in my life and giving me that closure i need even 2 and half years on.I really hope this post can help even just one person to feel better about themselves. I know this is just a whirl wind of everything but I just want say you should never ever listen to others opinions on you,you are what you want to be. Their thoughts do not reflect you as a person which is why i think every single person who is reading this should do at least one thing that makes them happy this year.
I have tried to write this post multiple time but i feel like now is the right time.
I really hope you all have the best year ever and if you have any suggestions on posts comment them below and check out my other posts.
This is completely different from me but I wrote this post right at the beginning of the year and never uploaded it because I had an anxious few months which is ironic considering I emphasised in this post how I'd gotten over my 'negative phase' when in fact that was quite the opposite of what happened because stress mode kicked in and before I knew it i was drowning in overwhelming feeling of stress and hatred. I hated that I'd let my self get in this state again. I hated I couldn't control it because the truth is you can't really control it. Despite this sounding as if I am queen of negativity but being given such false hopes from doctors and therapists and friends is really deflating when they say 'you'll feel better soon ' 'it wont last forever' because 3 years on I still haven't found a way to fully 'deal' (I use this word loosely) with it, but you know what I am still trying and I think that's what keeping me going, that glimmer of hope that one day I can do this by myself. Because I know I can and i guess that's why I wanted to edit this post because I feel like that's the greatest way to overcome anxiety is your self believe. Anxiety feeds off that vulnerability so you have to believe in yourself and don't rely on others to do it for you.
As cheesy as it seems you learn and grow everyday so when writing that blog post in January 2017 I was a different person from who I am now.
Ill speaking to you soon,
Bella B X